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Sunday morning, coming down

June 26, 2011 8:11 am

What with my efforts to fly below the radar of my anti-yard sale landlord, and my inability to pay for more visible signs (as opposed to the homemade ones I put together with brown corrugated cardboard, wire hangers, twisties, and red and black Sharpies), the moving sale yesterday was kind of a bust. On the upside, I got some reading done, reviewed some nursing skills, was somewhat entertained and somewhat frightened by my crazy neighbor Triple Check, met a crazy old lady from the neighborhood who told us all about the History of the Black Hole of a City, got rid of some stuff (most of it given up to the trash pickers), made some notes on new plans and strategies, and communed with the wildlife.

I’m working on my 4th Step, rather, a specific part of my 4th Step, and need to finish in time to do a 5th Step with my sponsor here. My 4th Step is always arranged by relationship (most people do it this way, I think), and my current work focuses not surprisingly on the most recent upheaval & the relationship that has impacted me most over the past several months. There will be much more work to do after I finish with this part (and, indeed, this specific relationship will probably require future revisits to the 4th and 5th in addition to the 8th and 9th Steps). My father’s disappointment in me, mirroring and intensifying my own, will require some intensive 4th Step work soon, as will my relationship (characterized by fear and shame) to several educational institutions and employers. But One Day, One Hour, One Moment At A Time.

About my profession, about my graduate institutions in literature and in nursing, I have plans (but do I have the self-discipline to implement them consistently?) to continue learning and practicing my nursing skills on my own in preparation to returning to work, and to revisit the papers I never finished (7 or 8 of them, I think). It says something (unflattering) of me that, when I think of finishing these academic works and mailing them to the professors who assigned them, I jump straight to composing the letters of amends that will accompany the finished products, and to developing contingency plans in case the professors have moved on or died in the meantime. But ODAAT.

More than anything, I am occupied this morning by treating a migraine, thinking from whom I can borrow money for the move (since sales have yielded far less than I had hoped), and contemplating what I will say at this morning’s meeting when I delilver the mini-lead and introduce the topic for discussion. The topic: How do you live Life on Life’s Terms when Life’s Terms really fucking suck? I am in need of others’ experience, strength, and hope on this matter. The rest of the challenge for my service this morning is how to do a 10-minute lead instead of an hour-long monologue. I think I shall take a single 3″x5″ card containing the only notes to which I really need to refer: Wrap it up.

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