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One Man Show

May 26, 2011 4:47 pm


I was thinking about this when I was at a meeting this afternoon. I often think about random junk when I’m at a meeting, although I try to ground myself and bring my mind ’round back to what’s in front of me with fair consistency. What my mind likes to do most of all at these meetings is (1) make fun of other people and (2) write my “leads” or “shares” or “qualifiers” or “topics” or whatever your regional dialect is for the stuff that AA drunks are invited to say in front of a bunch of other AA drunks.

The latter will be entered into an elaborate database sortable by Purpose, Time Allotted, Relation to Special Event, Relevant Step, Controlling Metaphor, and Number of Literary References.

The former was illustrated beautifully today in the form of an imaginary assignment I would give imaginary students:

  1. Identify, if possible, the people around you who are in no way funny looking and draw pictures of them. Are your pictures funny looking? Why?
  2. Count the people around you, then create separate tallies of the funny looking and the non-funny looking. What is ratio fl:nfl? Then, separate along gender lines and calculate the ratios. Are men or women more likely to be funny looking in this sample?
  3. Collect another random sample outside of the meeting and apply #2. In these samples, are alcoholics/addicts more or less likely to be funny looking than non-alcoholics/addicts? Why? Are male alcoholics (or malcoholics)/addicts more likely to be funny looking than non-malcoholics? Why? Are there statistically significant differences among the various ratios (eg, AAfl:Nfl)? Why?

Also by Oh my God, it looks like she only has four toes on that foot! Oh my God, I think she only has four toes on each foot!

Anyway, I began scripting today my one-man Broadway show (daughter and I just watched the season finale of Glee, and now I just have to have my own Broadway show). Here’s how it looks so far: Curtain rises on a lowlit, dusty stage strewn with papers loose and piled randomly, an eclectic collection of random junk of various levels of interestingness and condition. I half-stumble in, dressed as Liz Taylor holding a brandy snifter, and slurrily announce in one of those accents and demeanors of voice that used to strike me in the middle of a happy drunk, “The entertainment shall begin presently. In the meantime, please avail yourself of our finest cheeses.” Then, I shuffle off for a costume change. … And the ending … Well, it has a happy ending. It ends with me having my own one-man show on Broadway. And I’m pretty sure I’m sober.

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