Time to move on, he said
When we arrived, the lightning showed the clouds a dense blue, steely but somehow still warm and welcoming. All that day, and all the next, the rain deepened the green of the densely packed trees. It really is extraordinarily beautiful here in Hometown (a few miles outside the village, at my parents’ house, my home, watching the building of which is my very earliest memory). Hard to not let the past catch up with you here. There’s so much past, it crowds in at the borders, dead weight overwhelming by sheer mass, and despite my request for a more elegant metaphor, all I get are scenes from George Romero zombie movies.
Anyway, when I did my partial 5th Step with my sponsor recently, it came up that there had been some communication between me and my former partner. She commented here once, I replied in the same comment section. She emailed once, I replied once via email. I didn’t really think much of it. But my sponsor expressed his confusion and lack of comfort about the “ongoing communication.” I told him it happened about 1x/mo, and that I wouldn’t really call it “ongoing,” but rather intermittent, and that I didn’t think either of us were really pursuing an ongoing conversation. He didn’t buy it. He advised that, as much damage as I had done, and as dysfunctional as it was on both sides, I simply cut ties and move on.
Since much of the “communication” with my former partner is carried on through this blog–i.e., the record of my daily life and thoughts and plans &c. is posted here for anyone to read, and my former partner is among the readers–my sponsor advised that I scrap this blog, set it up somewhere else, and notify the regular readers (I guess via email or comments on their blogs)–with the obvious exception of my former partner–of the new address. Seems a little drastic to me. More to the point, it sounds like a huge pain in the ass.
“Let me ask you,” he said, “are you still entertaining any kind of …”
“… hope that we’ll get back together? No.”
“I think you have to take a look at that. There’s a reason you’re still communicating with her, and if you don’t have some business you have to resolve with her, it looks to me like you’re just holding on to something that needs to be let go. Do you think you owe her an amends for all this (indicates written 4th Step in front of him)?”
“Yes. At some point. I mean, I still have more work to do here (I indicate written 4th Step), but eventually.”
“I think your amends to her might be just to leave her alone.”
I told him I would look at all this, that I would consider my honest motives and the proper actions to take for the benefit of my recovery and mental health. Do I still have some idea, some perceived need and desire to salvage the broken relationship? Transforming it into a friendship does not appeal to me, not at this time, anyhow. Is it necessary to consciously break off and avoid contact? No quick & easy decisions here. I’ll let it sit for now.